bittersweet

Mmmm.  this looks like a good place to have a sit.  :)

Hanging out inside, away from all the humidity.  Cutting out clay 'things' to put on 'strings' for the Market next weekend.  Gram's Bday was this wknd - hard to believe she's been gone since 1999.  I was going to go put flowers at her grave but you know, she lives in the things all around me - like the peonies in front of our house.  Like the typewriter I use for display at the Market.  Like the old glasses of hers and gramps that sit on top of a stereo speaker (display...).  I think in the fall I will craft something to leave on her grave.  Something with buttons.  I dunno if I'm just not a grave-visiting person.  I so believe in remembering people but I think I like to do it a different way.  I love the idea of planting a tree for someone you can go and visit or plant in your yard.  Anyway, continuing being carried along on a bittersweet wave of  remembering. 

Bittersweet wave of dealing with the reality of not being a mom.  Of having that dream come to an end.  So I'll be finangling with that for awhile, grieving and coming to a place of acceptance with it.  I just don't want to be a mom at any cost you know?  Some people choose this option.  I feel if it doesn't happen, it is not meant to be.  A door closes and somewhere a window opens.  But right now I've got that door in my face.  And wouldn't you know it that blogs I pop into - they are expecting?  

So, I'm going to take my cuppa and go sit in the picture above.  Feel the breeze on my face and be grateful for what I do have because it is alot.  But I will also allow myself to feel all the things I need to feel to deal with my losing the dream of being a mama.  Sucks balls man.